Personal Reflections

Well, to say the least, things here have not been very good. In fact, I've been running from this Bible study--putting it off and procrastinating reading and blogging. I've been reflecting on why I haven't wanted to read the Bible or blog about it, and, after thinking about it for a while, I think I'm still depressed. I do not like having to write or admit that fact here on my blog. I feel embarrassed and disappointed in myself. I should be over this by now. What's wrong with me? I also know that I'm opening myself up to judgment and that people form perceptions of me when I make such admissions. But if you are going to know why I haven't posted lately, then that is why. I just have been wondering lately about the point of it all. And I recognize that this attitude is that comes from depression.

It's interesting to me that when people are suffering we have the tendency to turn away from God. For me, I haven't wanted to do what would draw me closer to God, even though I'm aware that going to him could help me feel better. It's just so ironic that when we need God the most, we don't seek him out. So that's where I'm at. Hopefully, I'll post again soon.

Reflection: From Old to New

I finished the Old Testament!!! Yea!! What a journey it's been so far. And now I can't wait to be continuing the journey with the New Testament. The NT presents a different writing style, different topics, and different stories, and we finally get to the meet the man prophesied about and hoped for over and over again in in the Old Testament. I can't wait for the next several months of reading through these books of the New Testament. I hope you will continue with me on this journey.

As a celebration of the fact that I've finished the Old Testament and am now moving on to the New, I'm going to spend one day looking back over my journey through the Old Testament and reflecting on some of observations I've made so far. Along the way--every 40th day--I've reflected at specific moments in time, but today, I'm going to ponder some of what I've learned and what I've been thinking about regarding this spiritual discipline.

First, I continue to be amazed at the God I serve. He is just and forgiving. He loves the less fortunate, the oppressed, the poor. He asks us to be faithful to him, and when we are, he protects us. He is, in a word, amazing. As a child--and even in some Bible classes in college--I always heard that the Old Testament presents a different God than the New Testament--the God of the Old Testament is mean and hateful and then he gets baptized in the New Testament and becomes loving. I always heard that God in the OT seeks vengeance, destroys people, hates, and is jealous. In sum, we are to fear him out of our own fear of being destroyed, put to death, condemned to hell. However, my reading has not showed me this God at all. Yes, I recognize that God can punish and can destroy. He can be jealous, and he wants us to obey him. But the thing that is so often overlooked in these portrayals of God is that God, first and foremost, loves us. He isn't jealous for jealousy's sake. He doesn't call us to faithfulness just because he wants to be in control of us. He doesn't rule with an iron fist and make laws arbitrarily because he can. Rather, God loves us. He wants to protect us. He loves us. He loves us.

The best representation of this relationship, I think, is that of a parent to a child. As a parent, I want to discipline my children to teach them right from wrong and good from bad, but I don't like punishing them. In fact, I hate it. I dread it. But I love them. And God doesn't like to punish us either, as some would have us believe. It hurts him to do so. And through my reading and writing about the OT, I see God as a God of love. He doesn't want to hurt us. He wants to show us his love. And in the New Testament, he will do so in a way that will shock and surprise us all.

I've also really enjoyed reading about God's people. From well-known people like Joseph, Jonah, and Job to lesser known people like the prophets and the deaconnesses and the women who aren't often mentioned, I like to hear their stories. I am connected to these people. God chose Israel to be his people, and his relationship with them gives us a concrete representation of how he deals with his people. This nation is one he loves, and he expects things of them. He expects them to obey his laws, to love the weak, and to take care of the poor. He wants powerful people to help those less powerful. And I think this can be related to today as well and what he expects of us as individuals and our churches--and perhaps our government, too.

I've also re-discovered how the Bible basically has three different functions in terms of the structure: you have the narrative stories, the poetry and prayers of people, and then the prophecies in which God speaks to his people. The Bible itself, for the most part, is structured in this way, not chronological like seems logical to me. I think this structure is intentional, though, and we are given three different accounts, basically, of the same stories. These approaches allow us to see the Bible, hear the stories, and learn about the life of the Israelites from three different perspectives, which allows people to relate differently to all of them. What a wonderful study of rhetoric, literacy, and narrative. Maybe one day I'll pursue this approach. :)

Lastly, reading the Bible every day for 208 days has been quite the challenge. But then finding something to say and writing about it has been doubly hard. Life happens. Kids get sick. I get sick. The internet goes down. We travel, and I forget to take a Bible with me, and the place we're at doesn't have the internet. I just can't find the time. Other commitments come up. I work a full-time job, and this process typically takes me one hour from beginning to end. I also commute 2 hours a day, so at the end of the day when I get home from work, I may not have an hour to dedicate to this. Spiritual disciplines are hard. And I find this one to be extremely hard, too. But you know what? That's all right. God understands. He is sympathetic and forgiving and gracious when things don't go as planned (much more than humans are, I think). God just wants us to try--he wants us to get out of the boat like Peter and trust him that when we get out of our comfort zone and do something difficult, he will be there to catch us when we fall, to take our hand and pull us up out of the water. But, we must get out of the boat if we are going to walk on water. If we are going to see things anew.

So, I can't predict where the next part of this journey will go, but I appreciate you listening and interacting with me along the way. I appreciate you, readers, in more ways than you know. Whoever you are and wherever you live, thanks for reading.  Some days, you are the only one who motivates me to complete this goal.

Reflection 5: Continuing on through the Prophets

Day 200: Reflection 5

These last 40 days have been some of the most difficult ones on this journey, mainly because I've been reading the prophetic books, and they aren't as easy to process and relate to as the narrative ones. In addition, they are written in such a different style where much of it seems like a fantasy genre. It's not as easy to relate to and understand, and readers really need much more of a context for understanding what is going on here. In the future, it would be interesting to examine these books in the context of the narrative unfolding of the events. But this is not my purpose, nor do I have the time. In spite of these difficulties, though, I'm still journeying on. I've gotten behind a few times due to sickness and other factors, but I'm still continuing on my path. Thanks for reading.

Reflection 3: Learning How to Pray through Poetry

Day 120: Reflection 3

I'm thankful that a "reflection day" comes while I am reading the book of Psalms. Psalms has given me so much to ponder, and I notice that I am enjoying them more and more each day. During these last 40 days, I've also read several of the narrative books of the Bible, including the book of Job, which really meant a lot to me at this point in my life.

Here are some things that have stood out to me or that I have learned and observed:
1. Reading the psalms has enhanced my prayer life. And this is one of the best blessings of this whole reading/blogging venture. The psalms have given me new ways to pray. They have shown me how others talk and communicate with God, and give me ideas as to what I can say to God in my own prayers. These prayers are accessible and relevant to us today. When we don't know what to say to God, when we don't know how to jumpstart a virtually absent prayer life, when we are at a loss for words, when we want to speak to God in beautiful language and compelling metaphors, we can pray the psalms and feel that we are uttering out own words to God. That we are communicating with God in new ways. That we are saying the same words as other people before us. We can be connected to God and others by praying the psalms. I hope you will give it a try.

2. I like the person David much more after reading his prayers and songs to God than I did after reading the narrative of his life. In many respects, David was not a good man. He was sinful, violent, and adulteress. He was a murderer and was ultimately responsible for his own son's death (the one with Bathsheba). He was also a very violent military leader, always killing people who disagreed with him. There was some things to admire about him, but there was also a lot to not admire. However, the psalms that he wrote (at least the ones that are accredited to him; we don't know for sure) show a different side of David. A gentler, humbler man who is committed to the Lord. His prayers allow us to glimpse his relationship with God. How he feels about God and how he feels about himself. His prayers show us the human side of David and allow us to identify with him, to understand him better and to understand ourselves better as well. His prayers--these psalms--have touched my heart and have made me really like this man named David.

3. Poetry gives us a different view of the people of God than prose. This point is somewhat similar to both of those above, but I want to make it anyway. Prose tells the story, while poetry shows the story. Prose is detached; poetry is not. Prose keeps us at a distance; poetry shows us the heart of people. Prose lets us look at and learn about people while poetry opens up the body cavity and let's us see what's inside. Poetry shows us the heart and soul of people. And while it may not be as easy and straightforward to read as prose, I think it connects us more to the people in ways that prose does not.

4. The people in the Bible were not chosen because they were perfect. In fact, not one of them was perfect. Nobody was. Nobody is. They were chosen because they were available to God. They opened up their heart and mind and allowed God to use them. They made mistakes; they sinned; they killed; they lied; they cheated; they committed adultery; they stole. They did all the bad things. Yet they were still God's people. God loved them, regardless. And he shows us this same love as well.

5. At this stage of the reading, I feel closer to God. Now, I don't just know about God anymore; now I know God. As I mentioned previously, I have really connected with the poetry, which has let me see God's people in personal ways. In real ways that reveal their hearts and the way they communicate with God. Yet I've also gotten to see how God deals with his people. Through the words prayed by his people, I can infer how God deals with them--with us--and it sure is a beautiful thing. And I'm also closer to God because I have been learning more about him for four months now. I have seen Him at work. I have seen how he relates to his people and how they relate to him. I have tried to connect my life to the Bible in personal ways, and I have tried to think about the church in this context as well.

These last 40 days mark a notable difference within me. I think I've turned a corner in some respects, especially when it comes to prayer. However, there is still much more to do, much more to know, much more to consider. I'm really looking forward to reading the New Testament and seeing how Jesus treats people because I still have a lot of work to do here. I'm anxious to learn more about living a life of faith and seeing how God works in our lives today. Thanks for making it 120 days with me on this journey. I'm one-third of the way there (Wow!). I hope this reflection has touched you in some way and that your own faith continues to grow.

Job's Commitment

Day 100: Job 25-28

Today is Day 100. Wow. Over one-fourth of my way through this project of reading through the Bible and contemplating the words through writing in one year. 100 days marks a momentous period for me, and I'm excited to be here at this day. I hope you have enjoyed the journey with me. Thanks for reading!

Once again, even though Job is bitter, is pained, and feels like justice has been denied him, he promises that he will never say anything wicked about the Lord. He will also never deny his innocence--he will stand by what he has said as long as he lives.

Reflection 2: Continuing the Journey

Day 80: Reflection 2

It's been 40 days since my last reflection. 40 days already! Wow. I've almost made it to the book of Ezra. That's hard to believe. I think I'm on a quicker pace than it takes to read the Bible in one year, but the fact that I'm ahead will allow me to proceed more slowly through the New Testament and spend more time on the various chapters, which I'm really looking forward to.

I'm still really enjoying my journey. The daily Bible reading and study has become a habit, a part of my daily routine. I honestly never thought I would get to where Bible reading was such a regular part of my life, but I actually have. Elizabeth has even caught on, and often pronounces that she is having her own Bible study. I'm glad she's learning some good things from me!

I'm also able to engage with others in conversations about God in informed and knowledgeable ways. I understand more about his nature--who He is and how he treats his people. I also understand about how He treats for and cares for His people, especially through the covenant relationship he has established with Israel. Reading about God's relationship with Israel as an adult has reminded me about God's nature and how he engages in relationship with us:
--God always keeps his covenant, even when we don't.
--God wants us to obey him above all else.
--God will punish us when we disobey because we are breaking his covenant.

This process has also allowed me to read the passages from various versions of the Bible. Since I am reading the Bible online (through "Biblegateway.com"), I can choose which version I want to read. When I'm unsure about a meaning or something, I can always look at another version and perhaps hear it a bit differently. Since I don't have all these versions of the Bible in print, it's nice to have free access to them online.

I am noticing some changes in myself as well. I think that my time and my life has become a bit less self-centered. Now, I consider more about how this is all God's time and I am just borrowing it for a while. This realization has made me less self-absorbed and more giving towards the needs of others. I hope I continue to grow in this way. 

I have also noticed some disadvantages reading through the Bible this way--quickly and from beginning to end. The main difficulty I have is that I don't get to spend too much time pondering over questions I have about the text or even struggles I'm having with understanding the passages because I have to keep reading and keep writing because tomorrow is another day with a new reading. Another part of this process that hasn't quite played out like I had thought is in terms of the way the Bible would impact my prayer life and my reflections to God. I feel closer to God, yes, but I also thiWhile I don't know if my goal will ever be to read the Bible again in a year, I do know that there are advantages and disadvantages to reading it differently.

I still have some goals for myself as I continue this journey:
1. I hope to spend more time meditating on what I read each day. While I do spend time contemplating and reflecting on the words, I often don't have the time to meditate and pray about it as much as I'd like. This connection between scripture and meditating or prayer is one that I want to make more.

2. I hope to see changes in my behavior with how I relate with and treat others. I want to see growth as a person who deals with and relates to other people. I want to be a better wife, mother, sister, daughter, and friend. It is my hope that these words will impact my heart and will lead me to greater awareness of myself as a relational being.

3. I also hope to learn how to be more like Jesus--practical things to do that will lead me closer to the realization of the kingdom of God on earth.

Thanks for journeying with me. I hope that you, too, have learned some things along the way and that you have some goals for yourself as well.

Reflection 1: My Experience after 40 Days

Today is day forty of this reading venture. I've survived an entire flood (40 days and 40 nights)! In honor of the 40th day, I have decided to take the opportunity to reflect on what I've learned after 40 days and what I'm thinking about this whole idea. These are not in any particular order.

1. Daily reading of the Bible is becoming something more natural for me to do. Before this experience, my Bible reading was scarce. I only read the Bible when I followed along as preachers read it (and this was only occasionally), or when I read the Veggie Tales Bible to Elizabeth. Regardless, my Bible reading was rare. Now, since I've read for 40 days in a row, Bible reading has become more of a practice, something I plan for and do each day. Bible reading is a more of a habit now. I remember to look through the Bible.

2. The relationship between God and Israel has shown me much about the relationship between God and us. God loves Israel; they are his people. They are small, defenseless, and weak, and God chooses them to be his. While he loves them, he also disciplines them for disobedience. Today, we are Israel in relationship to God. By looking at how God deals with Israel, we can learn how to communicate with God. How to trust Him. How to love Him.

3. The Old Testament is connected to a specific historical time and culture, which means that some of the "laws" handed down to the Israelites are outdated and not meant to be hard and fast commands for us today.  However, determining which laws are cultural and which laws are not is not something I have enough training in to make any sort of coherent statement. Yet it is something I think we should consider.

4. God is good, but he disciplines people he loves. God is loving, creative, and good, yet he is also a jealous God. He wants all of us, our whole being. He doesn't want us to have other gods; he doesn't want to share us with other things that would take us away from our relationship with God. Still, God is good.

5. I have discovered connections in the Bible that I had never noticed before. Connections to the New Testament. Connections to the church today. Connections to my personal life. They are numerous and varied, but they are there. And this part of the whole experience has been one of the most exciting things for me so far.

6. Memorizing scripture is a valuable practice, one that I plan to pass on to my children.

7. People in the Bible are not perfect, nor should they necessarily be our role models; however, they can still teach us things about how to be in relationship with God.

8. God is creative, and he has passed on this same creativity to us, too.

I hope the next forty days are just as good as these last forty.