Being Perfect

Day 222: Matthew 17-19

It's time for another confession: I'm a perfectionist. I like to have everything perfect in my life. I expect to be perfect. I expect Shane to be perfect. I expect my kids to be perfect. I expect my house to be in perfect order. I expect to have the perfect home, the perfect yard, the perfect [fill in the blank]. I expect my life to be perfect. I have very high expectations of myself and also of those close to me. I don't like this trait about myself, and maybe it can change one day. Who knows? But right now, I am a perfectionist.

I don't know when I first started being this way, but I have always tried to be perfect--the best, the favorite, #1. There was no room for second place, and everything but first wasn't good enough. I wanted to be the best child of my parents. I wanted to make the best grades of anyone else in school. I wanted to be the best basketball player on the court. I wanted to be people's "favorite," admired by all. I don't know where I got these ideas. Maybe it was from the strict rules I had as a child. Maybe it was because of the notion of heaven and hell that I was taught, which I thought at the time meant "perfect" or "not perfect." Maybe it was from my own expectations and desires. Who knows? But pretty soon, I came to think of myself and my own self-worth in this manner, too. That when I wasn't "perfect," then I was a failure. A loser. And that nobody would love me. I have a great fear of being unloved because of who I am. Even though I know in my heart that a lot of people love me, I still define myself by how "good" I am.

What's crazy about this association with being perfect and being loved is that I can never measure up to this status. I am daily under a lot of stress (we all are!). It's especially hard learning how to balance so many different commitments I have in my life--husband, children, job, church, God, friends, family, rest, and anything else that fills my time. It's not easy, and too often I feel like I give and give and give to all these areas, and it's never enough. Soon, I view myself as failing in every area, which then leads to a feeling of worthlessness.

These feelings can only be overcome through faith in Jesus Christ. Jesus tells his disciples, "Nothing is impossible with God," and even though right now these feelings of failure and worthlessness are ever present in my life, I know that God can do anything. He can make the impossible possible. He can teach me to have a new way to see myself and to measure my success. He wants me to love him and love people. That's really all he asks. He doesn't ask us to be perfect, and I shouldn't try to be either. He doesn't even ask us to "try our best," as is often quoted to children in school. No, Jesus wants us to love God and love people. When we do that, God can take our feelings of insecurity, self-doubt, and self-loathing away and bring us happiness, joy, and contentment. Reading the New Testament right now couldn't have come at a better time.

Confessions of a Distant Descendant

Day 44: Joshua 22-24

I have to confess something. I have been reading the Bible for several weeks now and although I have learned a lot about God--his nature and character--I don't feel that I have grown closer to Him. I don't quite understand why not because of how much I have learned about this, and I find this rather frustrating.

My reading so far has taught me a lot about several things: the church, values of God, God's commands and His will, the stories of God's people, sin, obedience, and discipline. However, I'm struck by how our modern notion of "a personal relationship with God" was not evident--or realized--with the vast majority of Israelites. Moses and Aaron had a relationship with God. Joshua and Caleb did, too. Adam and Eve. Cain. Jacob. Joseph. And a few others here and there.

In spite of these few mentioned "personal" relationships with God, the majority of Israelites are not reported to know God in this same way--personally. Rather, they knew him as a group. Israel was God's people. God knew Israel, and "Israel"--not individuals--knew God.

This concept is extremely different from today's widespread views that Christians can and should have a personal relationship with God and that Christians are saved individually through salvation and not as a whole. While I have some thoughts on both of those topics (which I'll save for later when we get to the NT), I mostly want to point out this difference.

I'm not sure from where the contrast originates, but I have a few ideas. It could be a difference between the old law and the new law--the old law that Moses handed to the Israelites and the new law that Jesus instigated. Or it could be a difference between cultures--the Israelite culture and an American culture that emphasizes the individual.

Regardless, the fact that I do not feel I have grown in "my personal relationship with God"--despite reading scripture every day and learning a lot about God in general--troubles me. I'm not sure where the answer lies or when in the Bible this concept of individual/personal relationship with God originates (or if it's in there at all or more the result of church tradition). But I am going to be watching out for it as I continue to read. I'm going to pay special attention to the contact that humans do have with God--in the OT and the NT--so that I can learn more about what this means and grow deeper in my relationship with God, Jesus, and the Holy Spirit.

Growing closer to God is one of the reasons I'm doing this. I don't just want to know about God; I want to know Him, and I want Him to know me. I pray that God will continue to show me how to use my imagination to envision a different relationship with God than I have now and to see the possibilities that exist when what now seems distant comes nearer.

Forever Yours, Faithfully

Day 33: Numbers 31 to 36

Do you remember the song "Faithfully" by Journey? It was very popular when I was growing up. In fact, it was mine and my high school boyfriend's "song." :) The lyrics are about a musician on the road who asks his girl to stand by him and he'll be "forever yours, faithfully."

Well, my boyfriend and I broke up. We were not forever faithful. It was just a song we liked to sing to each other dreaming about our lives together. (Eventually, I did meet a man to whom I will be forever, faithfully--my husband Shane.).

When thinking about the book of Numbers, what strikes me the most is how God is continually faithful to Israel. Notice the contrast between God and Israel. God is holy, while Israel is not. God is faithful to Israel, while Israel is repeatedly unfaithful to God. God loves Israel, and Israel only seems to love God when they want or need something from him. God is faithful, while Israel is faithless.

The lesson here: God  remains faithful to Israel--and to us--even when they/we turn away.

Even though God is to be feared because he punishes and destroys, he's also the one who remains by our sides. He remains faithful even when we walk away from him. That's pretty powerful, actually. God is faithful when we are faithless. God is holy even when we are not. God is forever yours, faithfully--no matter what you do.

This God does seem to be the same God of the New Testament, the same God who offers us Jesus, the same God who offers us grace. A God that I didn't think existed in the Old Testament. But He's there. He is the God of the New Testament and the God of the Old Testament. He loves Israel, and he continues to show them this again and again. They are His people, and He is their God. We, too, are his people, and He is our God. Will He be forever yours, faithfully like you will be to him? I hope so.