Day 222: Matthew 17-19
It's time for another confession: I'm a perfectionist. I like to have everything perfect in my life. I expect to be perfect. I expect Shane to be perfect. I expect my kids to be perfect. I expect my house to be in perfect order. I expect to have the perfect home, the perfect yard, the perfect [fill in the blank]. I expect my life to be perfect. I have very high expectations of myself and also of those close to me. I don't like this trait about myself, and maybe it can change one day. Who knows? But right now, I am a perfectionist.
I don't know when I first started being this way, but I have always tried to be perfect--the best, the favorite, #1. There was no room for second place, and everything but first wasn't good enough. I wanted to be the best child of my parents. I wanted to make the best grades of anyone else in school. I wanted to be the best basketball player on the court. I wanted to be people's "favorite," admired by all. I don't know where I got these ideas. Maybe it was from the strict rules I had as a child. Maybe it was because of the notion of heaven and hell that I was taught, which I thought at the time meant "perfect" or "not perfect." Maybe it was from my own expectations and desires. Who knows? But pretty soon, I came to think of myself and my own self-worth in this manner, too. That when I wasn't "perfect," then I was a failure. A loser. And that nobody would love me. I have a great fear of being unloved because of who I am. Even though I know in my heart that a lot of people love me, I still define myself by how "good" I am.
What's crazy about this association with being perfect and being loved is that I can never measure up to this status. I am daily under a lot of stress (we all are!). It's especially hard learning how to balance so many different commitments I have in my life--husband, children, job, church, God, friends, family, rest, and anything else that fills my time. It's not easy, and too often I feel like I give and give and give to all these areas, and it's never enough. Soon, I view myself as failing in every area, which then leads to a feeling of worthlessness.
These feelings can only be overcome through faith in Jesus Christ. Jesus tells his disciples, "Nothing is impossible with God," and even though right now these feelings of failure and worthlessness are ever present in my life, I know that God can do anything. He can make the impossible possible. He can teach me to have a new way to see myself and to measure my success. He wants me to love him and love people. That's really all he asks. He doesn't ask us to be perfect, and I shouldn't try to be either. He doesn't even ask us to "try our best," as is often quoted to children in school. No, Jesus wants us to love God and love people. When we do that, God can take our feelings of insecurity, self-doubt, and self-loathing away and bring us happiness, joy, and contentment. Reading the New Testament right now couldn't have come at a better time.
